Random

and oh yeah.
now i stop crying a lot.
and i feel flat most of the time.

ME myself versus this world.

There are some "moments" I have been through within this 9 months.

I didn't write a lot in these month. A baby could be born, if you know what i mean.

What I define by "moment" here is somethings happen to be hurt. 

You know the moment you screw up is when you finding yourself do just nothing.

Not for this world, not for her country, not for her family, not even for herself.

Let's say starting with I screwed my class. I screwed with time and I have to repeat one semester.

I screwed with my heart, it ends up not well.

Unfortunately, I don't even think he know I have this crush on him.

I screwed when my grandma died.

Although this is not a big deal, you know. People died eventually.

I screwed when I had to deal with my parents fight.

I screwed when my house burnt down.

I screwed when I didn't be chosen for being president of this organization.

I screwed when I can't do anything for the one i love the most.

Well, i'm not making any excuse for myself.

But seriously, i found myself not myself anymore.

I'm lost and I'm not fully functioning.

I screwed and i think i have got over it, but it turns out i'm not.

I become soft. I become less socialize. i become dependent. I become numb.

I have done talking. I have friends and people supporting me. I have family who love me.

And I am lost in this circle of life.

Frankly, i feel lonely and i'm exhausted to struggle alone.

I get it when people told you cause it is your life. it is yours that you have to stand up for yourself.

I understood that, but i still finding myself keep saying "but".

Shame, i lost my spirit to fight.

I become less competitive. I avoiding things. 

I am not fighter, I am the quitter. I am SUCKS.

No, i can't live a life like this.

You know how i wish i could be the inspiration of others.

But me, being like this. I could not even stand up and fight for myself.

I need to change. Focus on stuff. I need to categorize things.

I have talked enough. I have thought enough. I have cried enough.

It is my time to come back to the jungle.

Striving for success.

You know i hate sleep and movie. it make me losing time.

I hate when every body move on except me.

I hate when the world keep spinning around without waiting me back.

I hate when i have to be dependent and make people i love troubled.

I want me back. I want the perfectly independent, attractive, smart and cheerful little girl back.

I need to do something. but firstly i need to finish my collage asap.

You should admit this, growing up is sucks.

Rules, responsibility, family, works, lovers, friends.

They don't get along well, there will always choices and consequences.

Well, that make you grow, don't they?

You just don't want to be leave behind because you are too coward to choose and take the responsibility.

Believe me.

You should stand up and fight. Put all, all of them. The best effort you have.

You are not perfect, neither do others.

So what the worse it could be?

Instead of think, just do. What ever it is.

Right?

You see the picture? I know my problems. I know way to fix them.

I just have to move my ass and stop whining like a baby.

And to you, someone who might be feeling what i am feeling right now.

This world with these people and their problems.

This is how it works. What you have had, somebody had them too.

or they will. they just will.

You do not complain for what you have get.

It is written by the destiny. You pray and work it out.

Stop making reason a reason.

I can do this.

I have to do this.
It is ME myself versus this world.
So, bring it on!